On Saturday at 3.30pm at the Bosco, I’ll be hosting a one-off gig wholly devoted to baking. Is that your kind of thing, Melburnians?* We have roped in:
The fabulous Josh Earl, who has written a diamond of a show all about the Iconic Women’s Weekly birthday cake book. Glorious Sarah Millican, who is a connoiseur of puddings all of the way from the North-East of England. And marvellous Maeve Higgins, whose show Ha Ha Yum featured LIVE ONSTAGE BAKING (the second most dangerous type of craft, after white water crafting) and whose re4cent RTE tv show in ireland was called Fancy Vittels.
Here is the thing. if you bring a home-baked pie or cake, you get in for $10 dollars. If you don’t, it’s $20. Bakers will be given priority though! There will be lots of prizes for the best efforts, with special guest celebrity judges and games and all kinds of merriment. And more importantly, think about the maths of it. If everyone brings a pie (average no.of servings 8-10), there will be 8-10 times as much cake as could possibly be healthy or appropriate. Then factor in the people who have come who love to bake but don’t really eat or like cake (creepy feeders), and you’re looking at a surfeit of cake the like of which none of us will have ever experienced.
And if you’re really not convinced yet, then a. what is wrong with you? and b. I have one more way to entice you. As some of you may know, I am allergic to wheat and most gluten, but in addition, since organising the show I’ve learned that I have a big intolerance to sugars linked in with it all. Come merely to watch me sweating like an old addict who’s been left to guard the big pile of Ice while the gang bosses kneecap a grass. How long will I last until I succumb to the sweet sweet pies and cakes that I so adore? There will be a sweepstake. I think I will last almost the whole show and then exclaim the grown up version of “Sod it” and dive in, crying and laughing simultaneously. What do you think?
Thanks to everyone who’s been coming to the shows, I hope this doesn’t jinx it but I am having my favourite season in Melbourne ever this year!
*see how I spelt it properly today.**
**spelt? spelled?***
***I just remembered a really dodgy joke that wheat-intolerant people may enjoy. “Would you like any of this, it’s Spelt bread?” “I know how it’s spelt, dummy. And no. I can’t, I’m allergic to wheat.” “It’s spelt bread” “Do you think I’m thick? I know how it’s spelt.” “No. It’s bread made from spelt flour.” “I know how flour is spelt. I can’t eat it.” “No. Spelt. the type of flour” “oh. sorry i can’t really eat spelt.”
Ian N said
I hope to be there, watching the display of food porn. There are plenty of recipes on the internet for gluten-free and sugar-free cakes, so I hope we get plenty more suitable cakes than you can handle.
Steve Lamattina said
Josie, you always make me smile. I can’t wait for the bake-off, I got a pie-making posse (or possibly just a baked-goods crew).
Stevex
Jamie said
Hi Josie – congrats on Be Honourable – it was ace. I’ve been looking forward to the Bake Off ever since. Just wondered where you stand on savoury? The idea of being amongst all that cream and icing sugar is already making me feel a bit queasy but I can eat cheese pasties til the sun sets. Are folks like me still be welcome? ta, Jamie
Triple Word Score said
Super excited!
Triple Word Score said
I wanted to make a cake that said “Be my friend, Josie!”
But my boyfriend said that would be “kinda creepy.”
josielong said
I would have loved it! I hope that if you and your boyfriend had a bet about it that you win some kind of cash!
Isabel said
Hi Josie,
I came to your show with my mum tonight and just wanted to let you know that it was excellent (despite what the people who left may have thought – maybe it was Margaret Thatcher). I agree with you – being a good person doesn’t just involve baking rye bread and watching Korean films. I don’t think it means you can’t do those things, but way too often being nice and not hurting anyone seems to be enough and I don’t think it is. I’ve never read anything by Kurt Vonnegut but now I will have to.
This will make me sound like a complete martyr, but I have for a long time wanted to work in Papua New Guinea in the area of AIDS, which is a huge problem there. It’s what I’m currently studying at uni, but when I tell people that, family and close friends included, they react as if I am borderline insane. They seem to think that yes it’s sad, and yes it’s worthy to care about it, but that being realistic involves getting a full time job and a mortgage, and leaving it for someone else to worry about.
While I know that not everyone will or should care about this specific issue, I think we should all try as hard as we can to be honourable in the best way we know how, whether that means writing comedy shows or being a researcher or whatever sits right with us. And in order to not think you are completely alone in caring about certain things, a little bit of positive feedback is sometimes nice. So I just wanted to say well done on the show, you handled the c-word question brilliantly and gave me a little more confidence to pursue the things I feel strongly about too. I think what you do is important, so keep it up.
Good luck with the rest of the season,
Isabel
josielong said
Hi Isabel-
I am just so touched and proud that my show would prompt you to follow what you’d love to do and to do something so worthwhile and brilliant with your time! You are a hero to me for going and doing that despite other people trying to undermine you. Well done and thanks so much for letting me know!
Josie x
Richard Hock said
Is there a twenty four hour pie shop in Melbourne? I know Australians are famous for their 24 hour pie shops.
josielong said
ah such things are forbidden to me because of my stupid body and it’s stupid reactions to things!
SC said
josie!!
I have just recieved a very exciting e-mail saying you are coming to inverness! I literally can’t wait – no-one awesome ever comes this far north!
I’ll be honest, I suspect it may me a spectacular let down after australlia, new zealand, edinburgh etc etc, but if you ever require comanionship or a glorious selection of gluten-free baking during your trip, may I humbly offer my services and enthusiasm.
xoxox
josielong said
ah thanks so much! i should be touring with the pictish trail and spectacular newcomer James Acaster, so it’ll be a really fun show! You have to show us the sights!
josielong said
oh don’t! i’m sort of celiac and insulin resistant. the sexiest dream combo of all!
josielong said
Ah thanks so much for coming and for coming back, too! It means the world to me! x